


loving you's a living hell (but i want to do it well)

by ginafics



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asphyxiation, Eventual Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hybrids, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24592918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginafics/pseuds/ginafics
Summary: Donghyuck longs for a home.Despite everything, his heart still cultivates a small crushing hope to be saved. There's still the unrestrained wistful dream—to be found and to be cared for.It's dangerous to dream. Dreams kill hybrids.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	loving you's a living hell (but i want to do it well)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Okay so a few notes before we proceed  
> 1\. This is very self indulgent. I have wanted to write hybrids fic for two years.  
> 2\. I haven't written anything for almost a year. I'm so sorry if this is bad.  
> 3\. Thank you for Iz and Sha for agreeing to beta this. Without them, I am nothing but dust :<  
> 4\. Title is from Bring You Hell, a song by Emily Simmons (tumblr: @staganddragon, PLEASE check her soundcloud and her drarry fics!! they're so SO good!!!)  
> 5\. As always with my fics, please heed the additional tags. It will be added as the story continues and I will also put it in the notes. So please, don't skip the notes. It might be a lot, but I swear it will get better.
> 
> TW // rape, abuse, asphyxiation, dissociative state, drunk driving, mention of past abusive households, suicidal thoughts

It is a hybrid store where Donghyuck lives. A big store in the middle of a busy street in Gangnam, where the skyscrapers never dim and the tourists are abundant, where the rich and the struggling labour live co-dependently in symbiosis. Donghyuck, although familiar with living amongst humans, isn't particularly familiar with this neighborhood. All he's familiar with is the fluorescent light above his head and his own reflection on the glass case that has surrounded him for the past three months. The hall where he's kept is always dark. It is a long hall filled with more than 30 glass boxes of hybrids of all kinds in two organized rows against the walls. When he first came to the store, he didn't have the time to process all the things that were happening around him, but after three months, he’d learned to observe and adapt. The glass boxes were soundproof. He had tried to make friends with the other hybrids during the first few weeks he was here, but he eventually realized how futile his efforts were. They're not here to make friends, not when the glass boxes are quick to be emptied and hybrids are quick to be replaced.

The only friend he has is the clock at the entrance of the hall, right above the metal door. He can't see it from the box he's staying in right now, but it chimes every hour and he holds on to each chime like it’s his lifeline. It's the only way he can track the time, his only semblance of sanity in the room where the days blur into one big limbo. Donghyuck softly knocks the glass with his head repetitively, waiting for the hour until one of the shopkeepers comes with their breakfast. Right, at least there’s one perk to living in this hell hole, regular food schedule. It's not much, but it's better than the last hell he lived in. Although they can definitely improve the hygiene care schedule, it’s been three days since his last shower and his box has started to stink. 

This is okay, this is better. He can handle not showering for days in exchange for food and safety. He should be grateful.

_Should he, though?_ The occasional dark tendrils of thoughts that haunt him tend to be a little too loud sometimes. All of these _upgrades_ from his previous houses—the glass box, the safety it provided, the regular eating schedule— should he really be grateful towards them? Is it even an upgrade if he still feels miserable? Should he be grateful for what should have been common decency given to another living creature? Donghyuck is never sure. He hates thinking about it though, it makes him remember the things he hates and his chest ends up clenching in an uncomfortable way. So he tries to focus on the present. In the present where the heavy metal door is finally opened, revealing the male shopkeeper with his tray of food. Each of their plates will be placed on the small square opening on their glass boxes. The small window will be kept open until breakfast time is over and they will have to put the plate back for the shopkeeper to collect. It's the only time he can hear the other hybrids outside of his box. Despite knowing better about making friends, he still likes to greet his neighbours—after all, he was brought up to be polite. Besides, the hybrids that are put at the back of the hall are rarely bought, so he's less wary in making interactions.

See, the hybrids store has a system where all the rare breeds, the younglings, and the pretty ones are put at the front of the room to be displayed immediately to the customers. Those who are flawed, sick, deemed as feral, old, or even just deemed as ugly will be put at the back where no rich businessman will take interest and no family with excited children will ever come to look. Humans only love the young, pretty, and obedient hybrids. Hyuck had learned his lesson after the second time he was returned to another hybrid shelter by the family that adopted him. The hybrids at the back of the room are left to fend for themselves because only those who work with gangs or illegal brothels or just the usual creepy rich old men will come to them. Only those who are looking for guard dogs and disposable hybrids to be used for a night will put the effort to search the back of the dark hall. 

Donghyuck, a 20 year old dog hybrid, is already deemed too old by the hybrids trading industry. Parents always love those young puppies who can be their children's companion as they grow up or those who are educated enough to become nannies that can at least teach the children some alphabets. Companies won't buy him either because they only look for attack dogs to train. Donghyuck isn’t an attack dog, he's a toy poodle breed. 

He knows how to read, sure, his breeder had taught him how to. However, he was too young when he was first adopted. The family had been very nice, although their kid was still too young to understand that pulling a hybrid's ears and tail isn’t nice. Donghyuck didn't know that he needed to be very gentle around young children. He had hurt the kid during one rough play time. He didn't know that would get him returned to a hybrid shelter. He guessed it was better than being left alone on the street. He learned his lessons though, and he fared better with his second family. The second household was not as nice as the first one, but he took what he was provided with until he wasn't anymore. The first shelter refused to take him back, but he was taken by another shelter. The second shelter was also not as nice as the first one, but it was okay, he had managed. That was until his third household. People say that the third time's the charm, but his third house was a disaster.

He had spent three years of his life in that hellhole, praying everyday to be abandoned, to be thrown out of the house, to be left alone on the sidewalk. But no one heard his laments, no one heard his desperate cries for help. And so he endured. He endured three years of scarce food and regular humiliation. He endured three years of unwanted hands, both bringing soft caresses and sharp slaps to his cheeks. He endured three years, until his master got enough of him and somehow brought him to this hybrid store. He didn't know how much a 20 year old toy poodle hybrid would sell, but he's not complaining, especially when he's finally free from his worst nightmare.

Okay, that's a lie. His nightmares still haunt him every night, but they at least stay in his sleep and not in his reality. He could procrastinate sleeping to avoid those nightmares. Depriving himself of sleep wouldn't help him in that house.

Anyway, he's old and basically doesn't have any place in society, so he remains at the back of the hall with the other old and dysfunctional hybrids. He's pretty content though, he's not exactly eager to be sold to another human for the time being. He tried to be grateful and keep a positive mindset because living in an enclosed four wall box with negativity surrounding him wasn’t going to help him to survive. It's funny because he, honest to stars, doesn't even know why he's still trying to survive in this awful place. Just because it's slightly better than his last house, it doesn't justify how inhumane he's treated.

_Oh right, he's not a human._

Sometimes he wonders if this means he still has hope—that despite everything, his heart still cultivates a small crushing hope to be saved. There's still the unrestrained wistful dream—to be found, to be cared for, to be given regular meals, to be able to maintain his own hygiene, and to be given ear scratches and tummy rubs—that haunts his brain in the early hours of the morning. He knows it's dangerous to dream. 

Dreams turn into hopes and hopes kill.

But maybe he wants death to come faster, and so he lets the dreams fester.

* * *

Death doesn't come easy apparently, not without another trial and tribulation of life.

Donghyuck is jolted awake by the sudden blinding light from the fluorescent lamps around the hall and the heavy sound of metal doors being opened in a hurry. The male shopkeeper's voice is amplified by the echo from the walls. A new customer—an important customer—is coming and they need to be at their best behaviour. Donghyuck freezes at that. A midnight customer is never a good news. A midnight customer means clandestine business or rich creepy people looking for a toy to use. The hybrid store, unfortunately, doesn't discriminate. Money is money, whether it comes from a rich family with two children or an illegal brothel owner. Donghyuck instinctively curls back in his corner, trying to make himself as tiny as he can. Maybe this way he'd look too pathetic to even be considered as a choice.

Some moments pass until the big door is opened again. Donghyuck stays in his corner as the female shopkeeper's chattering voice travels through the hall. She's doing her part in advertising the front row hybrids, and Hyuck hastily sends a prayer for the new customer to not choose the young hybrids to be brought home. The chattering doesn't stop and neither do the footsteps. Donghyuck's heart has stuttered for the fifth time in the past twenty minutes as the humans don't stop somewhere before his glassbox to choose any hybrids.

He feels like he can hear his blood pumping in his ears when the footsteps finally stop. Donghyuck decides to take a deep breath before slowly opening his eyes. His heart drops when the sight of polished leather shoes greeted his view. His eyes trail up the navy blue dress pants that hug the man's legs and the matching suit on his tall body. The man is big—and rich, if the big shiny watch that adorns his wrist is anything to go by. There's no way Donghyuck would survive either running away or fighting for whatever would come next to him. His eyes dart even higher, wanting to see the man's face, only to be greeted with the sight he hates the most. The man has a handsome face, Hyuck has to give him that, especially with the way his shiny black hair is mussed from what Donghyuck guesses was once a professional office hairstyle. There's a rosy blush standing high on his sharp cheekbones. Despite how put up together the man looks from the outside, he still can't hide his glassy eyes and hazy gaze.

Donghyuck wants to vomit. He should have chosen the hard way and died by starving himself instead of hoping for the unreachable.

"I want him." The voice is muffled by the glass, but Hyuck can hear him loud and clear.

The shopkeeper looks taken aback. "Sir, surely there are better choices? This one comes with a lot of baggage. Not to add, but he can act a little feral at times." Donghyuck bares his teeth at the woman, probably proving her point further. He's _not_ feral, but if acting like one can save him then he's up for anything. Donghyuck only cowers further when instead of reluctance, there's instead a nasty grin that blooms on the man's face.

"I want him," he says firmer, "he's pretty." 

Hyuck feels like he can't breath when all the woman's excuses fall onto deaf ears. The man's gaze doesn't stop piercing him and it makes a shiver runs up his spine—not the good kind. His instinct is telling him to run, but he knows what he'll face if he tries. He rather goes with the man fully conscious than in a drugged state. Being awake is always better in a situation like this, it limits the possibilities of things that the man might do to him. The man doesn't budge, and in the end the shopkeeper admits her defeat with a sigh and a fake smile.

"Okay great, we'll prepare him to be ready to leave while you sign the documents needed and settle all the payment, and then he's all yours! Please follow me." The shopkeeper says chirpily, leading the man out of the room. Donghyuck can feel the pitiful gaze being directed at him from his left and right, but he ignores them. He closes his eyes and tries to regulate his breathing until the male shopkeeper comes to his glassbox. For the first time since his last shower schedule the glass door is being unlocked and Donghyuck is free to breathe the air outside of the box. There's a metallic tinge to the cold air that rushes to his lungs as he tries to keep up with the shopkeeper's walking pace to the shower stalls.

Donghyuck hates falling water, but he's grateful for the chance to clean himself. He's yanked outside by the shopkeeper after five minutes, a set of new clothing is pushed into his hands as the man turns on the blow dryer. Donghyuck dresses up as the man dries his hair and fur recklessly, getting too hot air into his ears too many times. Once he's deemed decent enough, he's led outside to his new owner. Donghyuck doesn't have any belongings with him in the store, so he comes out with only himself and the old tight collar he used in his previous house. His owner looks at him like he's a piece of meat to be devoured and Donghyuck gulps.

"Shall we?" The man offers his elbow for Donghyuck to take. There's a glint in his eyes that makes Donghyuck's instinct scream for him to either take the offer quickly or run as fast as he can. Donghyuck gingerly takes the elbow and slips back to the front he had used before living at the store. He can play this safe, he knows what to expect and what to do to save himself from unnecessary damage. 

"Yes, master," he says meekly, eyes trained to the floor in an act of submission. Donghyuck wants to vomit. He really hopes this would be one of those one night stand cases instead of history repeating itself. 

"Good boy." The man praises before walking the both of them to his red sophisticated car.

Donghyuck sits gingerly on the passenger seat, halting his breath instinctively when the man suddenly moves across the gear and into his space unannounced. He takes the seat belt from somewhere near Hyuck's right shoulder and fastens it. Donghyuck's eyes widen when the man winks at him before leaving his hand on Hyuck's thigh. Too high, Donghyuck holds himself back from squirming.

"Gotta be safe, right puppy?" The man says as he starts the car, one hand on the wheel, and drives away from the hybrid store's parking lot. Hyuck quickly releases the breath he's holding to answer his owner.

"Y-yes, master." 

The stench of alcohol attacks his olfactory system as he tries to regulate his breathing, suffocating him to the point that makes him want to vomit. He doesn't dare move an inch from the hold the man has over his thigh, doesn't dare voice his thoughts to open the window. Instead he breathes slowly through his mouth. Their car is speeding through the streets in the middle of the night as if there is no tomorrow. The blinding lights of the cars from the other lane zoom through his window at a scarily fast pace. Hyuck doesn't even know whether he should pray for their safety or their quick deaths. He closes his eyes tightly and grips his seatbelt in fear, his knuckles going white and so does the light behind his eyelids. He can feel the movement of the car, the way it sometimes sways out of its lane. They're moving too fast and the man beside him is intoxicated. 

He hopes they crash. He really hopes they crash and die.

* * *

Not even a second after closing the door of the man's apartment, Donghyuck can feel himself being roughly shoved and pinned to the door. The back of his head hits the door pretty loudly and in an instant white dots are flying behind his eyelids. He holds back the whimper that threatens to come out. There are hands roaming all over his body, within the clothes barrier, skin on skin, skin on clothes, hands groping anything they come in contact with. Donghyuck shuts his eyes tightly, trying to even out his breathing. When he opens his eyes again, he's staring straight at the man's dark eyes. His eyes glint, lips stretch in a grin. Donghyuck drops his gaze as if burnt.

"Pretty puppy, you'll be good for me tonight, right?" There's a dangerous edge to the man's voice even though the sentence was said gently. Donghyuck stays silent. He doesn't want to say yes. He doesn't want any of this. 

There's a hand that encases his jaw, grabbing his chin harshly, toeing the line of pain. He's forced to look at the man. His eyes are too dark under the dimly lit apartment. 

"I said, you'll be good for me tonight, right _puppy?_ " Donghyuck feels himself cowering from the man's gaze, eyes shifting to the wall behind the man's head before nodding quickly. It's not enough, he knows, but he figured if he's going to suffer either way tonight, he rather suffers with some semblance of dignity intact. Maybe he'd die faster by resisting—or it would just make it more painful, he's not sure what is this intoxicated man's intention with him after the quick fuck.

That earns him a hard slap to the face. "Answer me properly." 

Donghyuck doesn't want this.

The man shows him the same nasty grin he got back at the store. "So that's how you want to play? Okay, good boys get rewards and bad boys get punishment, right puppy?" he says while blinking slowly. There's a second when Donghyuck can see the man's brain click. It sends a shiver down Donghyuck's already ramrod spine. Before he can register anything else, there's a pair of lips slamming down to his mouth. A strong force of lips and teeth that feels too familiar for his liking. By the time Donghyuck manages to shake himself out of his frozen state and move, his pants are already halfway down his thighs. The man's mouth never lets Donghyuck's pull away, blocking the air from the hybrid's lungs with the tongue he shoves inside. Donghyuck tries to push the man away, shoving on the man's chest and hands but to no avail. He's not budging. Donghyuck feels his lungs burn for air, his skin tightening to latch on his every muscle. He's desperate to recoil from every touch that he's subjected to, but the man is way too strong and Donghyuck is shaking in fear way too much. When the man finally pulls his mouth away and moves onto Donghyuck's exposed collarbones, he can feel himself panting harshly, trying to refill the air in his lungs. But then there's a hand closing in on his throat, fingers wrapping around the side of his neck.

The man pulls away for a second.

"How was that, puppy? Be good to me?" The man winks at him as his fingers tighten imperceptibly. And then there's a hand on his dick. Donghyuck is once again paralyzed in fear. The hand never loosens and Donghyuck's brain blares siren as he can't properly inhale nor exhale. Donghyuck is so fucking scared. Is this how he will finally meet his end? In the hand of a drunk man as he’s used like a toy? Donghyuck wants to scream, but nothing is coming out from his open mouth—not even a sob.

"That's right. Be quiet and pliant like the mutt you were created to be. Good boy." The man spills praises right into his ears. Donghyuck can't do anything except to shallowly breathe, to keep the air coming to his lungs. Losing consciousness is never an option.

The way his brain starts to blur the edges of the world, starts spiralling down to that dark tunnel he hates so much. There has never been anything in his dark tunnel beside him, his surroundings, and a small light at the end of the tunnel—the shine dauntingly mocks him because he can never reach it. The dark tunnel that cages him from having control over his body, and yet he would still remember every single torture that he was subjected to. It doesn't feel fair, but he also has no control over it. He can feel his brain blanking out, feel the control slipping out of his fingertips like trying to hold onto water. Donghyuck feels the pain of being breached. He feels his knees giving out. There are hands on his torso and lips on the shell of his ears, whispering words that his brain can't register. He feels a soft surface underneath him—maybe the carpet, his brain supplies, and he feels the pounding.

It doesn't stop for a long time, neither does the pain.

Donghyuck loses his grip of reality quite quickly. Maybe he should be grateful for that. All he remembers before succumbing into the darkness is that there are steady pleas accompanied with relentless sobs from the distance—a plea for mercy, unheard pleas for death. Maybe they all come from him. Maybe there's someone else being tortured nearby.

It doesn't matter anyway.

Nothing matters in the face of the darkness that envelopes him—welcoming him with melancholy, embracing him gently like an old friend. Donghyuck succumbs as the small light in a distant twinkles—brighter, closer, warmer. 

**Author's Note:**

> Litost /li:tost/  
> Czech
> 
> (n.) a state of agony and torment, created by the sight of one's own misery.


End file.
